


Suddenly

by andthisbrightstar



Series: Beautiful Boy [1]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Panic Attacks, raf and sonny are engaged, rafael has a kid he didn't know about, takes place after rafael left the DA's office
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2019-09-15 13:07:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16933776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andthisbrightstar/pseuds/andthisbrightstar
Summary: “Barba was a parental match, for the boy.”Carisi blinked.“Our Barba?”





	1. Sunday Night

**Author's Note:**

> just a disclaimer: rafael did NOT cheat, maria sanchez was before he even met sonny

Olivia sighed, running a hand through her hair as she sat down in a chair outside of the hospital room, Amanda sitting next to her. On the other side of the door there was a very confused and scared boy who couldn’t have been older than eleven, who was finally asleep after screaming his throat out as the emergency room doctors ran test after test.

“I have a feeling he’s not going to be much of a talker.” Amanda said, Olivia just sighing.

He had been found outside in the freezing cold, crying and covered in bruises with a still bleeding gash on his head. They had been able to pin down someone in the building he was outside of who knew his apartment number, and discovered the woman they could only assume to be his mother dead inside.

“Let’s just hope Fin finds something in the apartment that gives us a name.” She said, Amanda nodding. He and his mother were apparently such shut ins that no one knew the boy’s name, making their job significantly harder than it already was. They sat in silence for a few moments until Carisi was coming down the hallway, geared with coffee.

“I about froze my ass off getting coffee and I’m layered up. I’m surprised that kid is even alive.” He said as he handed the women their coffee, looking through the glass into the room where the boy was sleeping. Before Olivia could say anything her phone rang, the caller ID for the DNA lab flashing across the screen.

“It’s the lab, thank God.” She said and picked up, walking off into a more secluded part of the PICU.  
-  
“Tell me you got a hit.” She said, a little thrown by how long the tech paused before responding.

“The good news is that we did.” The voice on the other end said, Olivia knitting her eyebrows together.

“There’s bad news?” She asked, nervously.

“It appears that the boys father is Rafael Barba, his DNA is in the system from the baby Drew case, and it was a paternal match with the boy.” 

Olivia felt like the floor had been pulled out from under her. Rafael had a kid? She was fairly certain he didn’t know either but now they would have to drop it on him. Not to mention that this was further complicated by his fiance being down the hallway talking to the boy’s nurses, completely oblivious. She didn’t realize the tech had started talking again until he was halfway through his sentence asking if she was still in touch with him.

“Yes, he’s my friend and he’s engaged to one to of my detectives. I can get him to the hospital.” She said, the tech awkwardly trying to wish them well before hanging up. Olivia turned to walk back down the hallway, mentally scolding herself for not masking her body language a little better when Amanda and Carisi both looked at her confused.

“Carisi, we need to talk.” She said and he got up to follow her, mouthing a “I don’t know.” to Amanda as they walked away.

“What did the lab say?” He asked innocently, Olivia biting her lip before talking.

“Barba was a parental match, for the boy.”

Carisi blinked.

“Our Barba?” He asked skeptically, half expecting Olivia to say no, and that she was just messing with him. But she didn’t do that, she just nodded, putting a hand on his shoulder.

“I’m almost positive he has no idea, but this is still a lot to take in. I’m going to call him and get him down here, unless you want to.” Olivia said sympathetically, Carisi shaking his head.li

“No, I’m okay Lieu. I’ll talk to him when he gets here.” He said quietly, turning on his heel to go back to Amanda without a word. Olivia watched him go and sighed, pulling her phone back out to call Barba. He answered within two rings like he always did, part of her wishing he took a little longer.

“Rafa, there’s a situation.” She said, regretting how ominous she was when she heard his breath hitch.

“What’s wrong, is Sonny hurt?” He said frantically, Olivia rushing to correct herself.

“No no he’s okay. Do you remember a Maria Sanchez?”

Rafael was silent for a moment before answering, his confusion evident in his voice when he did talk.

“I do, she was just a fling from years ago, over ten actually. How did you connect us? Is she okay?

Olivia paused, the weight of what she was about to say heavy on her.

“She was found dead in her apartment, her boy, he can’t be older than 11, was found outside, alive but severely hurt. The DNA lab said you popped up as a paternal match when they ran his DNA. We don’t even know his name, Fin is combing through the apartment looking for that now, but he’s your kid Rafa.”

Olivia could practically hear his heart dropping into his stomach, the silence on the line the line lasting for what seemed like hours.

“She cut me off two weeks after we hooked up. I never saw her again, she never answered my calls.” Rafael rushed out, Olivia made uneasy by hearing her best friend sound she panicked.

“You need to get down here, he’s hurt bad. He’s sleeping right now but he hasn’t opened his mouth except to scream bloody murder every time a doctor touches him.

“Does Sonny know?” He asked, Olivia turning her gaze to look back down the hallway, where Sonny practically had his face pressed to the glass window watching Alex sleep.

“He does, you need to get here for both of them.” She responded, hearing him shuffle around on the other end.

“I’m getting a cab now.”  
-  
In the thirty minutes between Rafael hanging up and getting to the hospital the boy had woken up, only to throw up all over himself, and unsurprisingly scream bloody murder as his nurse tried to clean him up. He was no longer screaming when Rafael was signing into the PICU, his screams having turned into the saddest crying Olivia had heard in a long time. She stepped out of the room when a text came through from Rafael that he was there, jogging down the hallway to meet him halfway.

“Hey, hey. Fin found his school papers at the apartment. His name is Alex and he turns 11 next week” She unloaded the new information on him, Rafael nodding and anxiously tapping his foot.

“Is he still asleep?” He asked, Olivia shaking her head.

“He woke up after you hung up, got sick and lost it when his nurse was trying to get him into a new gown. He’s not screaming anymore but he’s been crying for fifteen minutes. Poor baby is scared to death.”

“Where’s Sonny?” He asked, glancing around unable to find him. 

“He ran out to handle the media hounding outside. He should be back in a minute.” She said, pulling her friend into a hug after a beat of silence passed between them. Rafael sighed into her shoulder, Olivia rubbing his back as she pulled back.

“Let’s go see your kid.”  
-  
Olivia stepped back into the room first, relieved that Alex had calmed down a little more, only sniffling. Amanda sat by his bed, one of his hands clutching hers.

“Hey Alex, I have your dad outside. Is it okay if he comes in?” Olivia said softly, Alex looking at her confused but nodding. She leaned back to push open the door, Rafael walking in behind her.

Rafael felt like he was walking through molasses, the door closing behind him seeming significantly louder than it actually was. He turned his eyes on the boy in the hospital bed and wanted to burst into tears right there. Alex, his son, was scrawny, with gauze wrapped around his head and part of his arm. His body, or at least the parts not covered by the hospital gown, was covered in bruises. He looked at him skeptically, the fear evident in his red rimmed eyes.

“Hi Alex, my name is Rafael. I’m, I’m your dad.” He said, the word dad sounding foreign on his tongue. Alex looked at Amanda as if wanting to fact check the new information with her, the woman giving him a soft smile.

“He’s telling the truth sweetheart, do you mind if he sits next to me?” 

Alex shook his head, but flinched at the sound of Olivia dragging a chair across the floor for Rafael. He sat down slowly, his eyes glassing over with tears as he got a closer look at Alex. Alex was silent for a beat before looking at Amanda and motioning like he was holding a pen, the woman pulling the yellow notepad she carried with her and passing it to him. He wrote slowly, passing the notepad to Rafael when he was done and looking at the ground.

_Why didn’t you come sooner?_

Rafael bit his lip, not being able to stop a few tears from slipping out.

“I didn’t know your mom was ever pregnant, or that she had you. I would have come sooner. If I did. I’m so sorry I didn’t know.” Rafael said and passed the notepad back, Alex flipping to a new page and writing a new question. This time he met Rafael’s eyes when he passed it back, dejected as if he was already expecting a let down to what he wrote. Rafael’s heart sunk when he read what he had written.

_Are you going to going to get rid of me?_

He sucked in a deep breath before answering.

“No, I’m not. When you get out of here you’re going to come live with me at my apartment. I’m never leaving you again.” He said, his voice cracking as he fought back the sobs rising in his throat. He turned his head away to collect himself, pausing when he saw that Sonny was back outside the room. He turned back to Amanda, motioning with his head that he needed to go back out. She nodded and gave him a sympathetic look.

“I’ll be right back, I promise.” Rafael said to Alex, who followed him with his eyes until the door shut behind him.  
-  
As soon as Rafael stepped out of the room Sonny engulfed him in a tight hug, one hand on his head running through his hair. Rafael found himself swallowing a sob as he pulled back and started talking a mile a minute. 

“I’m so sorry, I had no idea. We didn’t speak after we, we hooked up. I didn’t ever see her again she never answered my calls I’m so sorry if you-” Sonny cut him off mid tangent, grabbing his face with both hands and looking him in the eye.

“Rafi hey hey relax. Breathe.” He said softly, Rafael inhaling and exhaling slowly, bringing a hand up to place it over Sonny’s on the side of his face. They stood like that for a minute before Rafael shook him off, sticking his hands in his pockets and looking off.

“If I knew about him he wouldn’t have gotten hurt, I should have tried harder to contact Maria, I should have...should have…” He trailed off, pulling a hand out of his pocket the swipe at the tears falling down his face.

“You can’t let yourself think like that. You’re here now. That’s what matters.” Sonny said gently, Rafael only biting his lip. It was silent between them for a beat before Rafael spoke up again.

“Are you?” He said and looked at Sonny nervously, his fiance raising an eyebrow in response.

“What?” He said, confused. Rafael sighed, looking down and messing with the ring on his finger, the ring Sonny had given him when he proposed four months ago.

“If you want to break off the engagement I understand, you won’t hurt my feelings. Well you will but I’ll get over it, I will.” He said, his voice cracking. It was silent between them then, Rafael half expecting Sonny to turn around and walk away.

“Are you kidding me?” Sonny said, Rafael only giving him a small shrug in response. Sonny took a step closer to him.

“What have I been trying to drill into your head for the past three years? Love is unconditional, what we have is unconditional.” He said, putting a hand on his shoulder. Sonny’s words cut right into his heart, the lump in his throat growing. This was far from the first time they’ve had a talk like this. Rafael had lost count of the amount of times Sonny had had to talk him down from working himself into a crying panic over feeling like he wasn’t good enough for him. Sonny never treated him as a burden, even if he felt like one. He didn’t know what he did to deserve him. Rafael was fully crying now, Sonny leaning in and kissing him, a hand on his cheek. When he pulled away he used his hands to wipe away some of his tears, giving his fiance a soft smile.

“I’m probably going to spend the night here. You should go home.” Rafael said, sniffling.

“I know, I know. I can run out to Target and set up the guest room for when Alex comes home.” He said, the excitement in his voice making Rafael’s heart lurch.

“Thank you.” He said and smiled for the first time in hours.

“I love you.” Sonny said and squeezed his hand, Rafael squeezing back.

“I love you too mi amor. Send me pictures of what you get, I think it’ll help if I show Alex.” Rafael responded, leaning up to kiss his cheek before letting him walk away.  
-  
“Hey, Sonny is going to Target and then going home.” Rafael said to Amanda as he stepped back in, Alex giving him a confused look and scrawling something down on his notepad. Rafael walked back to the side of his bed so he could read it.

_Is the blonde man outside your husband?,_

Rafael smiled a little, shaking his head. “Not yet, he’s just my fiance. He works with Olivia and Amanda, his name is Sonny.”

Alex seemed to take that for an answer, going back to absentmindedly watching the TV in his room that his nurse had put on Cartoon Network.

“Alex would you be comfortable with Rafael spending the night here? If you aren’t he absolutely won’t, it’s up to you.” Amanda said, gently pulling her hand out of his. Alex looked between them for a moment before scrawling out _he can stay_ on his notepad. 

“I’ll see you soon kiddo, stay brave.” Amanda said as she got up, giving Rafael a hug before stepping out and leaving them alone. Rafael moved the two arm chairs together to make a makeshift cot by the bed, sitting down and looking at Alex quietly.

“Sonny is out getting some things for your room at my apartment, I asked him to send me some pictures so I can show you.” He said after a few minutes, Alex listening before pulling his notepad back into his lap.

_Can I see pictures?_

“I’ll let you know when he sends some.” Rafael said, Alex writing something else and holding it out.”

_Of you, fiancé._

“Oh sure, sure. Let me pull some up.” Rafael said and pulled his phone out of his pocket, going to his camera roll, and then to the album titled “my man”. He scrolled back to a photo of them with Noah on his birthday the month before.

“This was last month. The little boy is Olivia’s son, his name is Noah, he’s six.” Rafael said and held his phone out for him to see, Alex looking at it for a moment before swiping to the next one and looking back at Rafael. The man leaned over a little to see which photo he was looking at, smiling when he saw which one it was.

“That’s Sonny at his parents house in Staten Island, he has a huge family.”

Alex studied the picture, one Rafael had snapped of Sonny when he was playing with his parent’s dog in their yard, for a minute before gently pushing the phone away, looking down at his lap.

“You can go back to sleep, it’ll probably make you feel better.” Rafael said quietly, Alex just looking off for a moment before going back to his notepad

_And you won’t leave?_

Rafael felt a lump in his throat when he read those four years, feeling Alex eyeing him nervously.

“No, I’m here to stay.” He said, cautiously reaching a hand out to Alex’s. His heart nearly stopped when he felt him grab a hold of it, intertwining their fingers before adjusting himself a little and closing his eyes. Rafael watched him drift off, not wanting to take his eyes off him long enough to try and sleep himself.  
-  
_“Suddenly you’re here_  
_Suddenly it starts_  
_Can two anxious hearts beat as one?_  
_Yesterday I was alone_  
_Today you walk beside me_  
_Something still unclear_  
_Something not yet here has begun.”_  
_-Les Miserables_


	2. Monday, Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> author’s note: yes i know this isn’t how hospitals work, but let’s just pretend it is, okay?

When Rafael woke up it took him a minute to come to and realize where he was. His shoulder felt numb from the way he had slept in the hospital chair but when he turned his head and saw Alex sleeping peacefully, still holding onto his hand, that was forgotten about. A nurse came in before he could page for one, smiling at him. 

“Good morning Mr.Barba, I’m glad you were both able to get some rest.” She said cheerfully as she put a new bag on Alex’s IV pole, the boy stirring awake at all the movement. He pulled his hand out of Rafael to rub his face, yawning. 

“Good morning Alex, once I’m done with this I’ll bring your breakfast in.” His nurse said, the boy nodding and biting his lip. He was quiet as he felt around his bed for his notepad, turning to Rafael and making a pen motion when he couldn’t find it. Rafael scanned the room and grabbed it from the window sill, passing it to him. He wrote slowly, still waking up. What he was wrote was intended for his nurse, but Rafael could still see it when he held it out to her.

_Am I leaving today?_

“If you keep your food down probably, but your health comes first sweet boy.” The women said softly, and turned to leave. Alex dropped his head back onto his pillow and sighed.

“Sonny sent some photos of your room, do you want to see?” Rafael said, hoping it would cheer him up. Alex nodded without looking at him, Rafael pulling out his phone to bring the album up.

The guest room turned kid’s bedroom was simple, but still personalized enough that it didn’t look like a hotel room. A giant wooden letter A hung above the bed, which was low to the ground at Olivia’s suggestion. In the picture of the bed area there was a framed photo of Rafael and Sonny sitting on the nightstand. Rafael hasn’t noticed that when looking at the photos in the middle of the night, and it made his heart lurch. Alex was quiet as he flicked through the pictures.

“Do you like it?” Rafael asked when he was done, Alex gulping as he jot something down on his notepad, passing it to Rafael timidly.

_It must have been so much money._

“Hey kiddo I don’t want you to worry about that, okay? It wasn’t a problem for us to do this for you.” Rafael said gently, Alex only giving him a little shrug in response. Before anything else could be said between them his nurse was back with his breakfast tray, pulling the table down from the side of the bed to put it on. She turned to Rafael next.

“Can I speak to you outside for a moment Mr.Barba?”  


Rafael nodded and got up, stopping when he felt Alex grabbing his wrist. When he turned to look at him he looked panic stricken, squeezing his wrist harder. Rafael gently pried his hand off of him, holding it lightly as he crouched down to be on eye level with the boy.

“I’ll be right back, I promise.” He said and Alex’s face softened, Rafael following his nurse out but stealing one last glance at his son before the door closed.  
-  
“It’s good that he’s getting comfortable with you.” His nurse said, Rafael forcing a smile.

“You needed to talk to me?” Right to the point. “I just wanted to give you the list of what all the tests found yesterday and some information.” She said, setting a thick stapled pile of papers in his hands. His stomach churned at how heavy it was. 

“He’s been through a lot, but what if the right care he can still regain a normal life.”

Rafael just nodded in response, sitting down to look through them as she walked away, still sick to his stomach. Actually starting to read what was on the first paper, just a table of contents, made him feel worse.

_Childhood physical and sexual abuse_

_Attempted strangulation_

_Blood infection, infected gash on head._

_Low muscle deficiency_

He decided he would leave the rest of it for when he could read it with Sonny, sighing as he stood up to go back into the hospital room.  
-  
“Told you I would come back. You eat your breakfast?” Rafael rushed out practically all in one breath as he sat back down, Alex nodding and giving him a perplexed look.

“Good, good.” He said, turning his eyes towards the wall. It was quiet between them for a beat before Rafael could hear Alex writing, and feel the notepad being placed in his lap. His heart dropped when he looked down at it.

_My nurse told you what happened._

“You can already read me that well?” He said and forced a laugh, Alex shrugging. He took the notepad back, scrawling something on it quickly and holding it up, his hands getting a little shaky 

_Sorry it’s so bad_

Alex looked like he was about to cry and it broke Rafael’s heart, the man sucking in a deep breath before gently pushing the notepad down, keeping a hand over one of Alex’s.

“You have no control over what happened Alex, please don’t be sorry.” He said, admittedly getting slightly choked up. Alex didn’t respond, only using his free hand to flip to a new page, writing something new and nudging it over so Rafael could read it.

_Why are you upset then?_

“I’m mad at who did this to you, not you.” Rafael said adamantly, Alex not seeming to completely buy his response as he went back to write something else. He looked away as he nudged it back over, pulling his hand out from Rafael’s to pick at the chapped skin on his lips 

_I deserved it._

“Alex no, no. Don’t ever say that.” Rafael said, his voice strained. Alex turned his head back, still looking at the ground and not at Rafael. His lip was bleeding now, the boy swiping at it roughly. “If someone, some despicable piece of shit told you that they were wrong.” The man continued. A brief look of bemusement flashed on Alex’s features at his strong language, but it was soon replaced by the kicked baby deer expression he had been wearing for the better part of the time Rafael had been with him. 

“I know I’ve only, known you for a day. But you’re a good kid. You didn’t deserve any of this.”  
-  
The next few hours were rather uneventful, there not being much to do besides wait around to see if Alex could keep food down. Rafael alternated between filling the silence with a crash course on his life and quietly teaching Alex how to play paper games like tic tac toe. It was 3pm by the time his nurse came back.

“Well Alex, how do you feel about going home?” She said in her normal cheery voice, Alex giving her a small smile in return.

“I had my fiance take my van home last night, if I call him now he should be here in twenty minutes.” Rafael said to both of them, reaching over the squeeze Alex’s hand before stepping out of the room to call Sonny.  
-  
“You are not bringing your truck to pick up a medically fragile ten year old.” Rafael said, rolling his eyes when Sonny started whining.

“He’s a kid, he would think it’s cool.”

“You have plenty of time to make him tell you you have a cool truck. Bring my van, please.”

“I got it I got it, see you soon.” Sonny said and the line went dead, Rafael sliding his phone back into his pocket. When he turned to look back into the room Alex’s nurse was taking out his IV lines, Alex picking at his lip again with whatever hand was free. _He’s going to need stitches if he doesn’t knock that off _Rafael thought to himself, doing a mental double take at how parental sounded. But that was how he should be sounding now, right?.__  
-  
He spent the next 20 minutes on the phone with his insurance trying to sort out how Alex’s medicines would be covered, grateful when Sonny’s name started flashing on the screen. He told the insurance company he would call them back later, turning to Alex.

“Sonny is outside with my van. Do you want me to sit in the back with you?” He said, Alex giving him a small nod. Rafael grabbed the bag with his papers before dragging the wheelchair his nurse had dropped off to get him outside closer to the bed. Alex pulled himself up slowly, grabbing onto Rafael’s arm for balance as he relocated. He brought his knees up to his chest as they left the room, looking at the ground.  
-  
It took what felt like hours for them to get to the parking lot, and Rafael could have cried when he saw Sonny’s smiling self standing outside of his van.

“Hey Alex, I’m sorry we didn’t get to meet yesterday.” Sonny said as he opened the side door, Alex bringing his eyes up to give him a skeptical look. He pulled himself up to standing, immediately grabbing at the van door to keep from face planting.

“Careful, big step.” Rafael said softly as he helped him in, pausing to give Sonny a quick kiss before getting inside after him.  
-  
“It was fun setting up your room, I did all my sister’s kids rooms too. “ Sonny said as they turned out of the hospital parking lot, Rafael raising an eyebrow. “How come I didn’t know that?”

Sonny laughed, looking at him in the rearview mirror. “I have secret talents Rafi what can I say.”  
-  
_Sonny seems nice_ , Alex thought to himself as he looked out the window at the passing streets. But so did his mom’s fiance at one point, and he ended up being wrong about him so he probably shouldn’t let himself make assumptions here either. Then again, he could be just as wrong about Rafael. Had he already let him in too much?

__He tapped his nails on the seat skittishly, biting down on his lip. He didn’t want to be wrong anymore._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter: angsty hell <3
> 
> i live for comments!


	3. Monday, Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter but hey it’s angsty!

Getting Alex back to the apartment in one piece was no small feat of its own. Traffic extended their drive by almost a full hour and when they finally pulled into the parking garage his anxiety went through the roof and he refused to get out of the backseat. After thirty minutes of tears and breathing exercises they finally convinced him, the boy clinging to Rafael like a magnet. After an apartment tour, pizza, and some TV Alex asked to go to bed early, neither Rafael or Sonny having any qualms about the kid getting more rest. Once he was down they returned to the couch in the living room and flicked on a Christmas movie.

“I’m proud of you ya know.” Sonny said as he ran a hand through Rafael’s hair, from where he sat behind him. Rafael just shrugged, looking off.

“It’s a good thing that he’s a stage five clinger, instead of detached. Reactive attachment disorder is a beast.”

Rafael nodded along to what Sonny was saying, going to intertwine their fingers until he felt his phone buzz. He saw the caller ID for his mother and immediately sent her the voicemail, Sonny raising an eyebrow.

“I don’t have the energy.” He responded flatly, putting his phone back in his pocket and going back to lacing his fingers together with Sonny’s.

“I mean, you gotta tell your mother you have a kid at some point.”

“I’m aware, detective obvious.” Rafael snapped, pulling back from where he was laying in front of him and sitting up. Sonny gave him a quizzical look, Rafael only glaring daggers back.

“What are you biting my head off for?” Sonny bit back, Rafael just sighing. He got up off the couch and grabbed the tote bag from the hospital, taking the packet the nurse had given him earlier that day and returning to the couch, dropping it in Sonny’s lap wordlessly. He scanned the table of contents and bit his lip, looking back up. 

“I wasn’t responsible enough to know he existed and he had to suffer because of it.” He started, choking back tears. Sonny frowned, getting up so that they were both standing. “Maria didn’t tell you, you had no way of knowing.” He said softly Rafael scoffing. 

“I should have put the pieces together. It shouldn’t have taken almost 11 years and her getting killed.” He rushed out, taking a step back when Sonny tried to reach for his hand. 

“If you focus on that you’re only going to stay miserable.” He said, the look Rafael was getting in his eyes starting to put him on edge. Sonny knew that look for the few other times they had fought. He was a powder keg about to explode. 

“Do you have a non-miserable way to look at this? He could have died and the first time I met my son would have been at his funeral!” He snapped, his face starting to flush red. 

“He’s here now, that’s all you can focus on.”  
Sonny responded, trying to keep his voice level. The last thing he wanted was for their arguing to wake the ten year old down the hall up. 

“That’s hard when he scared out of skin, are you blind or just being dumb to get a rise out of me?”

He had gone too far, they both knew it, but the argument was too heated for that to stop it. 

“Rafael don’t do this-” Sonny started, only to be interrupted by a guttural scream coming from down the hallway. Rafael taking off running with Sonny on his trail. The screaming continued at the same decibel, Alex’s mattress squeaking almost just as loud. 

“Alex what’s going on in there?” Rafael said and banged on his door, Alex only giving him a more fearful scream. Maybe he shouldn’t have nearly put his fist through the door. 

“We just need to know that you’re safe buddy.”  
Sonny said as he stepped closer to the door, still a noticeable distance from how close he normally put himself to his partner. 

“Nunca es divertido, por favor vete!”

Alex spoke Spanish?

“Alex, esto no es real, nadie te va a lastimar.”

Rafael’s Spanish only made Alex scream louder, his cries reverberating off that walls. 

“This isn’t real. You are in Rafael and Sonny’s apartment in Manhattan. The people who hurt you aren’t here, you have to believe us.” Rafael continued in English, wishing that the floor would open up and swallow him when it didn’t seem to help. 

“Deja de mentir!”

“He’s not lying.” Sonny started, gently but still loud enough that Alex could hear him in the pauses he used to breathe. “You’re in your head Alex. No one is here to hurt you.” 

Alex’s stopped screaming bloody murder, only to replace it with sobbing so hard his breathing was labored. Rafael kept trying to talk to him but it was useless, the words Alex choked out between cries making it clear he was still deep inside his head and not at all aware of his actual surroundings. 

Alex was hysterical, Sonny was crying, and the fight there were just having was still hanging heavy in the air. Rafael wanted to walk out of the apartment and never come back. He felt awful for even letting the thought creep into his mind, but his head was pounding and he couldn’t find it in him to think the least bit positively. Was he good enough for this? Would Alex be better off with people who had experience with traumatized children? That was stupid. Both him and Sonny had experience with traumatized kids. But their job stopped when the trial was over, when DCF came and whisked them away in their white mini-van. There was no pessimistic DCF social worker coming to relieve either of them of kid duty now. They were alone. 

And it was hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i live for comments <3


	4. Tuesday, Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am a theatre major college kid pls forgive me for any errors in how the police system functions

Rafael could have screamed when he heard Sonny’s phone alarm going off at 7:30. It wasn’t unlike them to start their day early, but Alex had spent the better part of the night alternating between screaming and crying until he was so exhausted he couldn’t anymore. Sonny and Rafael had thrown themselves into bed without a word to each other, too exhausted and frustrated with both the situation at hand, and each other from their unresolved fight, to do anything but sleep.

He heard Sonny groan next to him as he felt around for his phone, turning the alarm off and rolling back over.

“Don’t you have work?” Rafael said groggily, Sonny sighing, as if the fact that he had a job had completely slipped out of his mind in his tired state.

“I’m, gonna text the Lieu and tell her I’m not coming in.” He said and grabbed his phone again, shaking his head to wake himself up a little more as he pulled up his texts.

_TO: Lieu/Benson_  
7:34  
_Not coming in today Alex had a rough night, so we did too. Exhausted and I don’t want to leave Raf alone_. _Be in tomorrow_. 

He locked his screen and put the phone back on the nightstand, rolling over so his head was on Rafael’s chest. He didn’t say anything, falling back asleep within minutes. Rafael felt a pit growing in his stomach as he looked down at his fiance, running a hand through his hair. He still felt terrible about lashing out at him, even if Sonny seemed to have forgiven him.  
-  
When Sonny woke up again he was alone. He rested in the silence of the late morning, it now a past 10 AM, before getting up to find Rafael. He nearly bumped into him as he walked out of the bedroom, Rafael walking in his direction with two mugs of coffee. He smiled when he saw him, taking his mug off of him and pressing a kiss to his head. Rafael hummed in response, biting his lip as he pulled back.

“I’m sorry for snapping at you last night, before everything.” Rafael said, his tone uneven.

“I forgive you. I know how infuriating his case is but you can talk to me, we’re a team here.” Sonny responded, draping an arm over his shoulder and pressing their foreheads together. Their little moment was interrupted by another door creaking open, Alex’s bedroom door. The two men jumped apart, Alex looking a bit bewildered when they both turned to face him at the same time.

“Good morning kiddo, you need to take your meds.” Rafael said, Alex following him into the kitchen, hunching his shoulders up as he walked past Sonny.  
-  
Alex was silent as he sat down at the counter, not even motioning to ask for his notepad.

“Do you remember anything from last night after you went to bed?” Rafael asked softly, Alex biting his lip and not shaking his head yes or no. “I’m not angry at you mijo, I just want to know if you knew what was going on.” He continued, coming around the counter to sit on the barstool next to him. He leaned across the counter to grab his notepad that he had left there the night before, sliding it to the boy. Alex took it hesitantly, scrawling out a single world and showing it to Rafael.

_Nightmare_

“You were awake enough to know what was going on?” 

_Kinda, not all of it. I could hear myself screaming_. _Sorry_.

“Alex don’t apologize. You were scared, and I wish you didn’t have to go through that but I’m not angry. I’ll never be mad at you for something you can’t control.” He said gently as he got back up to get his meds. He sat his pills and a cup of water down in front of him, Alex taking them silently.  
-  
Back in the bedroom Sonny grabbed his phone, a missed call from Olivia at the top of his screen. She hadn’t responded to his earlier text, and he said a silent prayer that she didn’t need him to come in as he called her back. She picked up after the second ring, Sonny huffing.

“You called?” He said, regretting how aggressive he sounded.

“You don’t need to come in if that’s what you’re riled up about, I called to check in on you as your friend Carisi.” She responded, Sonny feeling worse than he already did.

“I’m sorry Lieu, it’s, it was a long night. Alex was up screaming and crying for hours with his door locked. If we had unlocked it from the outside it would have broken his trust to bits but he sounded so scared, it was terrible. And just a few minutes ago he looked at me like I had the plague when he passed me in the hallway. I know it’s gonna take time to build a relationship but he’s scared to death of me, how do I handle that?”

It felt good to rant, though he felt weak at the stinging of tears threatening to fall when he was done. He inhaled and blinked them back, Olivia responding in the same voice she had spoken to him in at the hospital. 

“You’re a good guy Carisi, just keep being there in little ways and it will pay off. I did want to ask something though.” She said, continuing after a few seconds. 

“Do you think if I came over today Alex would be up for answering a few questions? I know it’s all still recent but we want to catch whoever did this as quickly as possible.” Olivia said, Sonny signing and running a hand over his face. 

“I don’t know, I can ask and text you what he says but I would count on him giving it a hard pass.” He responded, Olivia telling him to let her know and to give Rafael a hug from her before hanging up.  
-  
Sonny sat in the quiet for a moment to collect himself before walking out into the kitchen, where Alex was taking minuscule bites out of a piece of toast. He walked around the counter so he was standing next to Rafael, who put an arm around his waist as soon as he was close enough for him to. Sonny gave Alex a moment to process his presence before talking, the boy just glancing between him and the ground nervously. 

“Hey Alex, do you remember our friend Detective Olivia?” He started, Alex giving him a small nod. “She wanted me to ask if you would be okay with her coming over to ask you some questions about what happened on Sunday.” Sonny said, Alex shaking his leg anxiously. 

_I don’t want to talk about it._ He scribbled down after a minute, shoving the notepad towards Sonny and looking away. Rafael left Sonny’s side and sat down on the barstool next to Alex, speaking softly. 

“I know you don’t want to, but we want to catch the man that hurt you and your mom. Anything you can tell us will help us do that as fast as possible.”

Alex reached for his notepad without looking up, writing quickly before nudging it towards Rafael and Sonny. 

_He said he would kill me if I talked about it_

The thought of someone threatening his son, _his baby,_ made Rafael see red but he kept his composure.

“Look at me Alex,” He started, the boy turning to meet his eyes cautiously. 

“We won’t let that happen. You are safe here with us. Do you think you can answer just a couple questions and then decide if it’s too much?” Rafael said, the room silent for a minute, Alex opening and closing his mouth before talking, so quiet that Rafael could barely hear him from right next to him. 

“I’ll try.” Alex said, speaking outside of blind panic for the first time since Rafael had met him. He could have pulled him in for a hug right there but he knew that would do more harm than good, instead resolving to place a gentle hand over where his was shaking against the counter. 

“You’re a brave kid, remember that.” He said, Sonny pulling out his phone to text Olivia. 

_TO: Lieu/Benson_  
_11:09_  
_You can drop by whenever, but he only agreed when we said he could try a couple and stop if he needed to._  
-  
Olivia walked into the apartment, followed by another officer that introduced himself to Rafael and Sonny as a detective from homicide. Olivia seemed annoyed by his presence, Rafael and Sonny equally put off by his presence and the fact that she failed to inform them he was coming. Unlike the Lieutenant, he was dressed in his typical officer blues, and Alex’s face went pale when he saw him. To his credit, he tried to ground himself, squeezing his eyes shut and inhaling. He opened his eyes on the exhale, only for the homicide detective to be significantly closer to him than he had been before. Rafael noticed how nervous he was, going to step in between them but being blocked off when the officer knelt down to Alex’s level to introduce himself. He had barely gotten a syllable out before Alex was screaming bloody murder, bringing his knees to his chest and shielding his face with his hands. The homicide detective took a small step back, Rafael taking it upon himself to elbow him farther back as he got down on the ground in front of Alex’s spot on the couch. 

“Alex mijo it’s Rafael. You’re in my apartment with Sonny and Olivia and another detective. We’re all here to help catch the people that hurt your mom and you.” He said, glancing back at Olivia with a worried look. 

“Get him away from me!” Alex screeched, his voice cracking. Rafael turned around, meeting eyes with the stranger who was still standing in his living room. 

“You need to leave.” He said sternly, the other man not budging. 

“Homicide got this case first and depending on what actually happened it’ll bounce back to us, so I need to be here for this.” He responded, Alex hyperventilating harder the longer he spoke. 

“If it bounces back to you you can handle it then. Until then you’re only hindering the questioning process.” Rafael continued, looking at Olivia, who took his queue to jump in. 

“I’ll be in touch if we need you.” She said, the detective rolling his eyes and huffing as he left.

“Did you know that man?” Olivia asked, Alex going wide-eyed and shaking his head as his breathing quickened. All the adults in the room had a feeling the head shake had very little truth behind it. He turned his eyes on the door, which the unwelcome guest had left wide open. Sonny went over to close it, Olivia sitting down on the couch next to Alex.

“Hey, honey calm down. He’s not coming back. Sonny is going to go close the door and lock it.” She continued, it not doing much to calm him down.

“He knows where I live, he’s going to kill me.” Alex said quietly, Rafael’s stomach dropping. 

“Who is he?” He cut in, probably more aggressively than he should have if the look Olivia gave him said anything. 

“He’s brothers with my mom’s’ boyfriend, he’s brothers with the person that killed her. Now he knows where I live and when he finds out I said something he’s- he’s” His words died in his throat, the boy trying as hard as he physically could not to cry.

“Alex we are not going to let him hurt you but you need to tell us as much as you can so we can arrest him. Can you tell us both of their names?” Olivia asked.

“Ruben and Matt. Matt is the police officer, Ruben doesn’t have a job.” Alex mumbled, picking at a thread on his shirt.

“We’re gonna go for a walk so you can talk to Olivia alone, okay?” Rafael said as he stood up, giving Alex a weak smile as he took Sonny’s hand and left the apartment, a bigger part of him than he was willing to admit wanting to throw the door open and run back in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m baaaack (: and i live for your comments and feedback!!


	5. Tuesday Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> vomit two but it’s not too graphic

“I can’t believe her.” Sonny said as he slid down onto the park bench next to Rafael, shaking his head. 

“Who, Olivia?” Rafael responded, Sonny huffing. 

“If they investigated deeper for one more day they probably would have found him, but no, she needed to question the traumatized child as soon as possible. Even if he was just some random homicide detective, she couldn’t bother to tell us he was coming? A male stranger would have him made him freak out just as much.” He continued, his agitation growing the longer he talked. 

“She had no way of knowing, you can’t-” Rafael started, only to be cut off. 

“I am well within my rights to be angry that she brought one of our child’s abusers into our living room.” Sonny said bluntly, sitting up a little straighter and looking away. 

“You think it doesn’t upset me too? But she didn’t know, she couldn’t have.” Rafael said, Sonny still not looking at him. 

“One more day of investigation and she would have. That man insisted on coming with Olivia to intimidate him. To scare a ten year old into not talking.” Sonny said bitterly, starting to get a little choked up. Rafael sighed, snaking an arm around his waist. Sonny met his eyes then, Rafael hesitating for a second before speaking. 

“When BX9 was threatening me I wasn’t scared, not really. I lived a full life. I didn’t want to die but if it happened it happened. Now, there’s a kid on the line, I feel like I have to be scared.” He said said, Sonny’s face softening. It was silent between them for a beat, Rafael letting his head drop down onto Sonny’s shoulder. 

“I love you.” Sonny said said to break the silence, running a hand through his hair.  
-  
They stayed like that for an hour, talking about any random topic that came to mind to distract from the elephant in the room. After an hour Olivia texted them that they were wrapping up and to start heading back. She didn’t give any more details than that, which Rafael was grateful for in that he could pretend everything wasn’t as bad as it was for just a little while longer.  
-  
When they entered the apartment the living room was empty, and for a second Rafael froze thinking that Matt had come back, but the retching coming from the bathroom told him otherwise. He shot a worried glance at Sonny before rushing down the hallway, the other man following. The site that met them in the bathroom was Olivia sitting on the floor, rubbing Alex’s back as he hung his head over the toilet. Rafael looked at her alarmed, Sonny just glaring. 

“Alex sweetie Sonny is going to take over while I take to Rafael.” Olivia said, Alex too out of it to object like Sonny was expecting him to. He traded places on the floor with Olivia, who got up and ushered Rafael out.  
-  
“I thought you said he was doing okay?” He asked as they walked back into the living room, Olivia sighing. 

“He was, he didn’t get sick until after I texted you to head back. I told him we were done with questions and that I was proud of him for telling me so much, and he ran off to the bathroom. I think he got overwhelmed.” She said, Rafael biting on his lip as he listened. 

“He opened up?” 

“More so than I was expecting, but I don’t think he was expecting to tell me so much either. Walk me out?” She responded, Rafael glancing back down the hallway before opening the front door and stepping out behind her. 

“Sonny’s pissed at you you know.” Rafael said as they walked down the stairs.

“I gathered.” She responded, either of them unsure of what to say for a moment. 

“I don’t blame him at all and to be frank I’m pissed too.” He finally said as they reached the doors of the building, Olivia stopping before walking out. 

“Rafa if I knew-” She started, the man putting up a hand to cut her off. 

“Save it Liv. Tell me when they’re both arraigned.” Rafael said, Olivia giving him a nod before pushing the door open and exiting.  
-  
Back in the bathroom Alex had tried to throw up once since being left with Sonny, but only ended up dry heaving until it hurt to cough.

“Throat- help.” He stammered, Sonny getting a cup of water from the sink and passing it to him, the boy’s hands shaking so hard he thought he might drop it. It was quiet for a few minutes before Alex had his head back in the toilet, gagging up the water and stomach acid. He was shaking when he pulled back, looking at Sonny deliriously.

“Hey, hey. You’re okay.” Sonny said, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around him gently, nervous to leave him alone to go get an actual blanket.

“M-mmatt?” He slurred our, Sonny shaking is head. 

“No honey, Matt’s not here. He’s going to get arrested. Right now you’re with Sonny in the bathroom while Detective Olivia talks to Rafael.” He responded, Alex not looking any less confused. 

“You work with Matt?” He said, Sonny’s face falling. Suddenly Alex’s avoidance of him made sense. 

“No, no. We’re both police officers but we don’t work together. I didn’t even know who he was until today.” Sonny said, Alex not seeming to buy it completely and looking at the ground. 

“I’m proud of you Alex, you’re a really strong kid and I know everything is so overwhelming right now, but it’ll get better.” He continued, reaching up to get another water cup.

“I didn’t cry when I was answering Olivia’s questions.” Alex said as he passed it to him, forcing a tight lipped smiled at him that hurt his heart. 

“It’s okay to cry kiddo, that doesn’t mean you’re not strong. You’ve been through so much, I-” 

Before Sonny could even finish his sentence Alex was in tears, curling in on himself as his shoulders trembled more than they already were. Sonny scooted closer to him cautiously, Alex taking it as a queue to move his head onto his shoulder and quickly getting his t-shirt soaked with tears. After a minute Sonny heard footsteps, and moved his head just enough to see Rafael in the doorway. They met eyes briefly but didn’t say anything, Rafael setting a fresh pair of clothes on the bathroom sink and leaving the pair alone 

“Rafael brought you some clothes to change into, can you sit up?” Sonny said, Alex shaking his head against him. 

“‘m tired.” He responded, not budging. 

“I know hon but I would be a bad dad if I let you stay in clothes you got sick on. I’ll leave if you want or I can get Raf to help you change instead of me.” He said, the _d word_ feeling caught in his throat. 

“Just do it.” The boy mumbled after a minute, Sonny pulling back to get Alex to move his head and look at him. 

“Alex, when you live here you get choices. I’m not going to do something if it makes you uncomfortable.” He said, Alex glancing towards the door. 

“You want me to get Rafael?” Sonny said, the boy nodding. Sonny stood up slowly, taking a moment to collect himself before walking into the living room to swap with Rafael.  
-  
“Hey mijo, let’s get out of these clothes so you can sleep.” Rafael said from the doorway of the bathroom, Alex meeting his eyes sleepily. 

“Can you get up and sit on the toilet seat for me? If you need to get sick again you can use that trash can.” 

Alex moved slowly, every moment appearing to take all of his strength. Rafael was able to get him into a new shirt without a struggle, but when he moved down to his jeans he started hyperventilating, his legs shaking. 

“You’re okay Alex, I’m not going to hurt you. I’m just taking your jeans off because they have puke on them. I have shorts for you to put on right here.”  
Rafael said gently, grabbing the basketball shorts off the counter and holding them out. Alex looked at them apprehensively, taking a shaky deep breath. 

“Do you need me to stop for a minute?” Rafael asked, Alex shaking his head. 

“I’m okay.” He said quietly, more to himself than Rafael. Once he was in his shorts and Rafael was standing up he started to calm down, exhaustion kicking in and taking place of the panic. 

“Can I help you up and get you to your bedroom?” Rafael asked, Alex nodding and holding out his hand shakily. Rafael helped him up and down the hallway to his room, getting him settled into bed. Alex looked like he was going to fall asleep in a matter of seconds, barely able to keep his eyes open. 

“When you wake up we can order pizza and have movie night, take your mind of things, yeah?” He said as he flipped on his bedside nightlight. 

Alex yawned, meeting Rafael’s eyes. “Do you want me to..” He started, too tired to finish his sentence. Rafael understood what he was implying still, the weight of everything he hadn’t been able to save him from cracking his heart in two. 

“No, never. That part of your life is over now mijo.” Rafael responded, Alex looking at him doe-eyed for a moment before turning over to go to sleep. Rafael watched his chest rise and fall for a minute before going to walk out. He paused in the bedroom doorway, feeling himself started to get misty eyed for what felt like the 100th time that day. 

“I love you more than you know.” He said before closing the door. He pulled out of his phone then, sucking in a deep breath as he dialed Lucia’s number.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next ‘chapter’ is going to be a short ‘rafael calls his mom’ bit that i really enjoyed writing. “diego calls his mom” is my absolute favorite snl skit, and it was heavily inspired by that.


	6. Rafael Calls His Mom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a little interlude loosely inspired by my favorite snl skit of all time, “diego calls his mom”

Rafael felt his heart rate increase the longer the phone rang, it crescendoing to a point where he could have thrown his phone at the wall when he got sent to voicemail. Of all the times for her to not answer. 

“Hola mami,” He started, pausing as he wracked his brain for a way to unload on her without giving her a stroke. 

“A woman I had a uhm- fling with, was murdered on Sunday. She had a little boy, a ten year old son who barley survived. His name is Alex, and when they ran his DNA they concluded that he was my son. I had no- I didn’t even know I got her pregnant.” 

Saying those words strung together out loud got him more choked up than he thought they would, his mother would definitely notice that. 

“Both of them were really horribly abused but we’re going to get the guys that did it. Olivia thinks he looks like me, but I think he favors his mom. He’s been through so much, I feel so guilty.”

There were tears streaming down his face now, and he could hear Sonny padding into the hallway behind him from the living room. He couldn’t see him, but he could feel the _“Oh, babe”_ look he was giving him. 

“He went almost eleven years probably wondering when his dad was going to come save him and I had no idea he even existed. I’m his dad, I’m supposed to protect him. And he got hurt and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.”

He sniffled, relaxing slightly when he felt Sonny wrap his arms around his waist, pressing his forehead into the back of his head. 

“Sonny is still here, I told him he didn’t have to be and he insisted. I can’t wait to marry him mami.” Rafael continued, a small, but genuine, smile forming when he talked about the other man. “Call me back when you can, please? I love you.” He finished and hung up, slipping his phone back into his pocket and letting Sonny nudge him in the direction of their bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new actual chapter will be out on wednesday!

**Author's Note:**

> hello please don't forget to tip ya girl (me) with comments and kudos <3


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